The real creepy crawlies are out!

Oh.My.Goodness. Every where I turn there is either a pack of mosquitoes waiting to attack or a giant eight legged spider ready to pounce. Oh and the worst part is, even if I don't see them, they are there. Watching me with all their creepy multiple eyes. After the run in with the black widow with one hundred lives I have been scared to death for the warm weather to bring the spiders out. They always find me. It's like in my sleep they snuck in and planted a tracking device so they knew the exact moment I would step out of my house and they could commence operation dive bomb Amanda. The spiders usually get me when I am in heels because they know I cant run fast enough. The bricks in our backyard are just far enough apart that if I don't carefully walk across them, my heel slips right through the crack and I break my ankle. I am seeing a broken ankle post in the near future. I also see a freaky Friday post in the future of tomorrow. If you will excuse me, I need to head to Costco to buy an industrial sized crate of bug spray and a thousand tubes of neosporin to treat the massive bites on my legs.

Is this really necessary?

Lately I have had this little pest in my life known as heartburn. When I was younger I had heartburn a lot and I was diagnosed with that annoying thing called acid reflux. After popping Tums like candy and eating Zantac 75 in a bowl of milk for breakfast, my parents took me to the doctor. He prescribed lots of different anti-acids for me to take and NONE of them worked. So I just lived my life with heartburn and dealt with the fact that I was choking on acid every morning when I woke up. Sometime in high school a miraculous thing happened and I no longer had acid reflux. It was heaven, I was convinced that some sort of miracle elf was forced to live inside of my throat with a plunger and every time the acid arose, he fought it back while singing Whistle While You Work. Well apparently I swallowed him or they surgically removed him with my gallbladder because it is back and it is on. Last night I was half expecting flames to come out of my throat. I probably only got one hour of sleep because if I wasn't throwing up in my mouth, I was swallowing that nasty acid and giving myself a stomach ache. This was making Shelbie extremely uneasy and she would paw at me and my blanket until I pet her and let her know that even though smoke is coming out of my mouth and I am clawing at my throat, mama is going to be alright. So does anyone have a good medicine they use? (besides alka celtzer because that causes my heart to race and when I was 12 and took one, I thought I was going to die.) If you don't come up with anything it is ok, I will either buy a fire extinguisher and keep by my bedside or one of those sink plugs and shove it down my throat.

A Few of My Favorite Things

My familyTrips to Lake Powell

My adorable Hannah Montana loving neice that only likes when I talk with a British accent while playing barbies.

This picture of Kaili and Karson. Karson is going to be a Ute fan... Sorry Tyler...

My beautiful niece Emery who loves to burp in Nick's face

My sweet nephew Karson and his pretty blue eyes.

My wonderful husband who despises my black polkadot purse and half of my shoes but still loves me.

Supising Nick with concert tickets.

Nick said "I was in love with a man for a night."

Suprising the boys with NFL tickets to see their favorite teams face off.This picture of Nick. I took it when we were dating and it has always been my favorite.

Sweet Shelbie letting me torture her with silly dress ups.Shelbie's hairbows and her cute puppy fuzz

Burning my finger on gma's grilled cheese maker and turning around to accept the offered band-aid, and being handed this.
The three amigo's. These dogs all love to snuggle up together on my lap.
My two best friends no matter whatAnd finally, this.

I know the reason

Sarah and I were watching the season finale of Lost last night and before you all start thinking that I am an avid fan, I am just going to let you know that no, not yet. Sarah Netflixed the seasons for me so that I can be sucked into that black hole known as the Lost superfan club who prays that their plane crashes on an island with Jack Shepard. But back to the actual point of this post, during every commercial brake the news commercial came on showing microwaves that had unexpectedly exploded or caught on fire. Sarah and I couldn't help but laugh at the same time as be concerned but while I was laying in my bed trying to find that shape on my ceiling that looks like Barbra Streisand's profile, something came to me. One year Sarah went away to EFY, we all missed her terribly and couldn't wait for her return. When that horrible week of waiting was finally over, she returned home in a skirt with a future missionary tag and went straight up to her room... ok she wasn't wearing the skirt. We all followed her in a long line up to her room to see what she was up to. Sarah pulled out her massive CD collection and started thumbing through them and when she was finished, the only CD's in there that were left were the Ace of Base CD and the Especially for Youth Soundtrack. Finally one of us asked what she was doing and she let us know that she was getting rid of all these CD's because it wasn't good music to listen too. (Isn't she so cute? I love her) Immediately, light bulbs popped up over our heads and we remembered that time that someone had told us about microwaving CD's. We thought this was perfect because it would help get rid of them forever because we feared if we didn't completely destroy them, Sarah would be dumpster diving at two in the morning and be carted away with the morning trash. So we began. It was so intriguing watching those lightning bolts jump off the CD and then when it was finished it looked so cool and crackled. To test to see if they were now unlistenable, we put Snoop Dogg into the 6 disk changer and pushed play. Nothing. Since we knew we were doing the right thing we continued... until daddy Brian woke up from his nap. He tried to nicely let us know that if we continued doing this, we would end up with an exploding microwave so we told him we were finished but then nuked one more because we couldn't listen to Boyz II Men any longer. So while the news thinks that microwaves are mysteriously exploding, I am thinking it as more to do with curious children who never got the Wii they have been begging for. Here is a video so that none of you are tempted to go out and buy the new Eminem CD just to burn it while sacrificing your microwave. I love the ding at the end.

Mothers Day from Shelbie

Dear Mom,

Thanks for the dog treat this morning, I know you gave me an extra one but I was still hungry so I am sorry for eating more of your bar stool. Even though you lock me in the kitchen for eight hours every day I still love you because you buy me lots of toys to destroy and eat the cotton. I love you even more because when I throw up that cotton and try to clean it up by eating it again so you don't have you, you always chase me away and clean it up yourself. I will never forget that time that I threw up in yours and dad's bed after dad cleaned the sheets a whole week before and you had finally got off the couch to put them on the bed. That night was the best night of my life, having both of my parents squished in a little two foot space hugging me. Even though you torture me by putting bows in my hair I secretly like them because it gives Penny something else to rip out on top of my chest hair. I am sorry for all the whining I do when I want to go outside or upstairs to play with Paul and Penny, I am just trying to give you alone time before I shove myself to sleep in between you and dad so that you guys are always four feet apart, I bet dad is grateful anyway because between you and me, I have the better morning breath. I know I run away when you get the brush out and you end up having to chase me for five minutes before yelling for dad to catch me and bring me over but it is only because I am trying to avoid you having to vacuum it all up after you brush it out. With all the hair I shed, you and dad could make friendship bracelets... for the whole neighborhood. Love you and I am sorry for chewing up your purse (that dad hates).

Love,

Shelbie

Happy Late Mother's Day

I have a billion things to blog about lately so be prepared to be bombarded with thousands of posts of me hating on things. But as for right now I want to post about something or should I say someone I love, my mom. My mom has been so good to stick out all of the horrid things her kids have put her through, seeing those few freaky Friday posts sent mothers hugging their children and thanking them for not being the Sorensen kids. My mom has been through a lot, from the Barbie finger incident, the destroying of her precious collection of walmart sacks, and the weeks of scrubbing purple hair dye out of her tub to the scary pranks, softballs to the shins, and years of trying to break up fist fights that started with someone eating the last Oreo and leaving the package in the pantry. My mom is one tough cookie and has been through more than necessary with us kids and I am so grateful that she never gave up and sold us on KSL. On top of chasing us around to try and get us to wear socks with seams, she had to balance her life as a mom, wife and business owner (of two businesses) How she did it, I will never know. I am always sorry for the fights that I started with my mom that included unnecessary screams and insults and I wish I could take them all back but I can't. Unfortunately we make mistakes in life or it would be way to easy. The best thing about my mom is that through all of the fights and bad decisions of us kids, she loves us the same. I am so glad that I am in the family I am with the Mom that I have, I wouldn't trade her for a thousand new pairs of socks. Love you mama.

Oh and if you are wondering where the Mothers day post to me is, Shelbie is working one up right now so stay patient.

Ugh.

How pessimistic is this? I complain about the Winter and then when the beginning of the few precious months we have of decent warmth comes I find something on my things that suck list. I just want to talk about the top thing right now or I might find that my head explodes into a hundred pieces and I just ran out of glue. The top thing barely beating out having to wash my car is the bugs. If any of you remember me having to deal with the Criss Angel of spiders you would understand my resentment. But lately there is a new bug in town that has captured all of my hatred and literally sucked the sweetness out of me. Mosquito's. Would somebody please answer me why mosquito bites itch so bad? I have lost about two hundred layers of my skin by itching my leg with my shoe. I bite my nails so it is the only effective way to scratch. I know I could easily google it but then giant pictures of those creepy blood sucking bugs of death come up and my nightmares go from living in a world where I have to grocery shop to living in a world where I grocery shop in a mosquito infested supermarket that doesn't have candy at the check stands. I just had a panic attack thinking about the no candy part. Unfortunately for me I have that blood type that taste like Grandma D's hot fudge to those pesky things and last night somewhere I missed the memo that it was happy hour on Amanda's right leg. Maybe it was written on the same post it note as my grocery list.

Because my purse requires at least two feet.

You know, right after I post that I have nothing to blog about since people aren't driving like they have never seen snow or keeping their hair in check, something like this was bound to happen. You can all thank the man upstairs for giving me something to write about, he knows how hard you have been praying for it. I walked outside after work and to my pleasant suprise someones brain had melted away with the snow.
Keep in mind the camera adds ten inches. Apparantly the car on the other side of him was to close so he felt the need to make it so that I couldn't get in so he could get out. Its not like there werent FIVE other spaces he could have parked in. I guess he was so concerned with making sure he had enough room to get out on the other side, he didn't consider I would have to eat nothing but cottonballs for weeks to be able to squeeze into the small sliver of a gap I was given to open my door. Now is the time that Richard Simmons jogs by in his mini shorts and scoop neck tank and screams that I didnt listen and I didn't disco the dirty calories away and if I had I might be able to squeeze those little buns into the car.